


Rooty Tooty Patootie

by Dodo



Series: The Cheese Stands Alone [7]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Cuddles, Dummy is best wingman, Farting, Fluff, M/M, Misuse of Ice Cream, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 16:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21284435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodo/pseuds/Dodo
Summary: Carrying on with the facade of getting married to Dum-e, Steve worries about Dum-e finding out that he and Tony are dating. While he tries to make informed decisions about wedding stuff while also dodging the absurd use of dairy.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: The Cheese Stands Alone [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1290185
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Rooty Tooty Patootie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ExistentialCrisis713](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExistentialCrisis713/gifts).

> This fic is the second and last part to pizza pasta.

In the end they opted not to tell Dum-e, or rather it was Tony’s idea. Steve found himself slightly worried when the bot finally figured it out, he was sure Dum-e would. Tony didn’t seem to think so, surely JARVIS would alert Dum-e to this? Steve wasn’t sure, Dum-e seemed very intelligent to him, definitely more keyed for mischief though.

So every friday Steve found himself in the penthouse or in a special play room designed for Dum-e playing games or just hanging out. Tony would come bye with food and some work, a few time Steve had offered ideas or suggested a work around. It wasn’t very often, Steve was never sure on what Tony was talking about.

Tony would try and pay him for it, outrageous money for suggesting not to use bright colored text on a black background. At one point Tony offered him a job, and Steve had snipped if he got a job under Tony he wouldn’t be dating him. Tony had deflated only a bit, hand coming up to stroke Dum-e who was focused on building a card castle.  
“Well that is unadvisable,”

He stirred in the nest that Dum-e had made him in the play room. Steve sighed there was a beep to his left and he reached out to pat the base of Dum-e. The sleepover was novel and Dum-e had made a lovely fort nest thing and Steve found it relaxing even if it did look like a tornado swept through it. He was also 95% sure Dum-e was keeping a vigil at his side.

He could hear Tony talking to Jarvis something about arrangements. There was a low beep at his side, a question.  
“I’m up Dum-e, had a lot of fun last night. You sure know the elevator well.”  
Dum-e lifted and swelled with pride beeping enthusiastically. They had ridden it up and down till Steve had gotten sick, then Dum-e had taken to carry a bucket around just in case.

Steve wiggled out of the fort as Dum-e broke it down, Yawning and stretching his back out as he poked around for breakfast. Snagging a blueberry muffin he ate it slowly while watching Dum-e make a bigger mess. While beeping to Jarvis. Steve felt a bit bad that he was using the free days in the tower to catch up on some zs. Dum-e didn’t seem to mind at all, the bot seemed to relish tucking Steve in.

“Ah So today we’re going to check out the flower arrangements.”  
Tony snags Steve’s half nibbled muffin and eats it in one go. Steve watches amused as Tony frowns and then he fishes the paper out of his mouth. Giving Steve a betrayed look, to which he offers his palms up in a half shrug.

He picks up another and goes back to delicately nibbling on the top. Tony snorts and then offers his expertise to Dum-e who turns him down, dragging the whole mess with him to the elevator.  
“Well flowers first, red and gold, dum-e picked the colors, you have a fave?”  
“Blue is nice.”  
“Yeah, Dum-e just picked my fave color and then the color he associates with Jarvis. Pretty sure if I asked him directly his favorite color would be blender.”

Stark shrugged and then eyed up Steve’s muffin, now that he’d eaten the top off it. Steve pushed it over this time Tony peeled the paper away.  
“Flowers today, and maybe cake too. Depends on the time. Can you come back next Friday?”  
Steve nodded as he washed his hands, and cleaned them of water.  
“I’ve asked for Fridays off since Jarvis asked about availability.”  
-  
The flowers were very lovely, but also incredibly smelly. When they were out at the florist shop Steve witnessed Tony switching to Mr. Stark. Steve felt out of place and tried to keep his distance from the perverse saturation of scents. He stood near the snapdragons, they smelled nicely but it was just too many scents.

Tony was doing the show pony and picking at the flowers blue and red, with gold ribbon. Occasionally he turned to Steve to ask for advice that was never listened too. Steve backed up till he fumbled his way out of the shop. Sighing into the street as he rubbed his eyes. He had a headache now.

It was okay, it wasn’t to bad and there was cake to be looking forward too. He Sat on the front bench in the patch of sunlight and dosed the headache wasn’t too bad he’d escaped before it had gotten worse, he muffled a yawn and settled down on the bench to rest his eyes.

Something was tickling his nose, Steve tried to bat it away.  
“Hey Steve, cake time.”  
Steve sat upright, whipping the crusts from his eyes. Looking at Tony who was fiddling with a piece of grass.  
“You alright?”  
“The strong smells give me headaches, I got out before it got really bad. Did you find some flowers?”  
Tony tossed the grass aside hands into his pockets.

“Yeah i’m going to let Pepper mess with it, she’s much better at floral arrangements than I am.”  
Steve got off the bench and slipped on of his arms around one of Tony’s and they were off to the cake. Or rather Cake Palace as the name proclaimed on the side, very ritzy set up. Steve would have like visiting maybe a smaller bakery, like the spanish on near his apartment. 

It wasn’t just cake though seemed like Tony had arranged to do the food cater too. Steve wasn’t sure what Tony had told these people they were very nice but certainly he hadn’t told them about him marrying Dum-e. So much food for the sample platters, Steve was having a hard time. There was way too much cheese, cheesy potatoes with the chicken parmesan. Something else slathered over the salad that wasn’t even green.

Steve frowned at the red leaves unsure if he should bother trying it when it was soaked in some sort of cream based dressing. He made sure to nibble on everything when Tony was looking but for the rest of it he just kinda stared at the food. He would regret eating several spoonfuls of the cheesy potato, he knew he would.

The cake was nice, there was one that tasted like the flower shop, with a light whipped icing. He liked the icning more than the cake. The next one was an orange cake with thicker icing. Steve liked this one more, the icing was flavored lemony and had enough tart to balance the sweet. The third cake was red velvet, Steve wasn’t sure what flavor it was. Tony seemed to enjoy it but the icing had a twang to it. Steve squinted at the cake offended, was it cheese?

Steve was left with the remainders as Tony went to pay and chat up the vendors. Steve looked at the little cards Tony had been scribbling on. No to the rose and whipped mallow frosting, yes to the orange and lemon butter cream, and a possible yes to the red velvet and cream cheese icing. Steve looked back at the cake plates stomach dropping the orange cake had cream in it?

His belly gurgled upset, matching his mood of being lied to by delicious food. Once he’d found out he was lactose intolerant it made a lot of his pains in both tummy and pocket book disappear. Milk was expensive, but not anymore since he only drank the goat milk occasionally when he could afford it. 

The trip back to the tower was fine, Steve was antsy. Tony was lost in his phone looking up foods for weddings. Steve wanted some of Natasha’ pelmeni with the delicate dipping sauce, as much as he loved sweets, which he did. Savory usually didn’t have a lot of dairy and he’d found a lot of comfort foods when he could afford it.  
-  
Back in the tower, Steve tossed his arms around Dum-e and told him about the stinky flower shop. He climbed up on Dum-e and let the bot wheel him around some, stopping at the couch to watch Wall-e yet again. Tony joined them when Eva showed up on screen.

Steve woke up, in a nice warm spot, wall-e was still playing probably looped. Dum-e was gone, and Steve’s pillow shifted. Steve huffed and opened up an eye to see that he was laying on top of Tony, nestled between the legs and head on the chest. Steve settled back down he was warm and content, why had he woken up?

*Pfffbt*  
Ah he was farting, that was what had woken him. He brought up his hand to pet Tony’s forearm. Marveling at how soft it was the little hairs gave it a silky feel. *Pfffblrt*. Steve closed his eyes trying not to make too much noise from the gas expulsion. Tony was warm and Steve dosed while farting the entire time. Having once held a fart in, letting them loose was a better alternative. Tony was a sleep so he couldn’t possibly know, Jarvis probably did know but Steve felt Jarvis wouldn’t be bothered by it.

Dum-e rolled by just as Steve let a particularly loud one loose. Dum-e stopped with a low beep claw looking over them. *Pllbburt*, Steve flushed as Dum-e tilted his camera over his butt, then rolled off into the kitchen and turned his wheels just so to make a similar *Flllurburt* noise. Well at least Dum-e wasn’t letting him fart alone.

Though it was probably one of Dum-e’s farts that woke Tony a few minutes later.  
“No drifting in the kitchen!”  
Tony shifted under Steve, and he whined as the heat faded as Tony tried to right himself. *purrfft* Steve carefully sat up, Dum-e zipped around making a longer *Blurbruit* noise as tony got up to scold the bot for leaving rubber marks on the kitchen floor.

Steve stretched yet again, thinking fondly of renaming the tower nap palace. Wiggling back down in the couch were Tony had been laying. *Pllubit* Steve smiled well versed in the fart game, if he didn’t address it, Tony would have too. The age old who ever ‘smelt it dealt it’ phrase comes to mind. Tony would have to borach it and then be considered the one who actually farted.

“Steve, do you want some ice cream?”  
He looked over the back of the couch to see Dum-e with a carton of ice cream in his claw playing keep away with Tony.   
“What kind?”  
“It's.. come back here! You don’t want Steve to go hungry.”  
Dum-e wheeled over to Steve and dropped it in his lap. Cold, and *ppffrrbit* ugh Steve looked at the label uncomprehendingly. “Vegan” and “all natural” where on the front in bold red letters. He turned the thing around, no milk in the ingredients.  
“Sure i’ll have some.”

He got up and farted his way to Tony in the kitchen.   
“Steve, when I asked about allergies why didn’t you say anything?”  
“I don’t have any allergies?” *Pfffoot*  
Tony looked unconvinced, Steve shrugged.  
“I thought I could avoid dairy. It's an intolerance not an allergy. I didn’t realize how much you love cheese.”  
Steve trying to blame it all on Tony, considering how they’d met the first time. Yeah Steve could easily blame it on Tony, and his illicit relationship with cheese. 

*Puurbt*  
Tony shook his head and handed a cone to Steve. Dum-e wheeled bye and snatched Tony’s then whooping excitedly to the balcony.  
“Don’t you dare!”  
Tony ran after him, Steve placed the ice cream in the freezer and followed. *Poot* Tony was wearing his ice cream on his face while Dum-e was clearly trying to feed him with it. Steve smothered a giggle as he licked his. Dum-e then offered his cone to Steve ignoring Tony’s sputter objections.

“Thank you Dum-e,” Steve made a show of licking the ice cream from Dum-e’s cone.  
Dum-e went back to tending to Tony by thrusting the cone into his face. Steve hid behind his ice cream as he dissolved into laughter, *Poot plllbit Purtsh* Tony was laughing too. Dum-e had wheeled off somewhere leaving Tony with a sad looking ice cream cone, and a messy face.  
“Even your farts are adorable.”  
“What?”

Steve flushed, wishing Dum-e would come back and stick more ice cream in Tony’s gob. *Puurrbt* Tony attempted to use the napkin to whip his face off but the ice cream had successfully integrated with his goatee. The napkin was useless and it was only smearing it around.  
“Here let me,”  
Steve got up on his tippy toes as Tony leaned down, and Steve licked the cream off Tony’s face. They kissed it was soft and sweet, pulling apart as Dum-e rolled in with a thing of napkins.

Steve startled afraid and certain that Dum-e now knew he was being unfaithful. The bot merely beeped excitedly and tossed the napkins at Tony as he wheeled off. Tony covered in the napkins as they stuck to his sticky face turned to Steve.  
“That when well don’t you think?”  
“I...uh-h..” *Puurrt*

Dum-e rolled back with a box in his claw, before Steve could figure out a response to the napkin attack. The bot did the full base shimmy as he presented two rings, made of bits of scrap to Steve and Tony.   
“Huh, okay I’ll bite J what is going on here?”  
Tony picked up the bigger of the two rings, Steve followed and placed it on his finger it fit, it wasn’t super smooth though.

“Dum-e has picked Steve, and vetted him to be your significant other. He’s under the pretense that he is your wing man.”  
“Oh, okay I guess that makes… no sense.”  
Tony patted Dum-e’s claw.  
“Thanks buddy.”  
“I like it, thank you Dum-e.”  
Steve gives the excited bot a hug, *Bblurt* pulling away and watching Dum-e wheel off. Tony touched his elbow.

“Hey, you need help finishing that?”  
Steve jerked back as a napkin covered Tony helped himself to the melting cone in Steve’s hand. Then he jerked forward smashing the cone into Tony's face.  
“Oi!”  
Steve kissed the outrage off Tony’s face. Licking delicately at the lips till there was no more ice cream, he then returned to his cone. Peeking over it at Tony who was very much still in shock.

*pllurbit*  
“So after this maybe we can use your pool?”  
Steve offered, over his own fart. Tony nodded.  
“Yes, I think my ears are sticky.”

“So the pool, I can give you some trunks to wear. Yeah?”  
Steve covered his mouth Tony had a few napkins stick to his feet.  
“Oh yes, Dum-e should help you. He is your wing man.”  
They left the balcony after they finished Steve’s cone, and on the kitchen counter was a box of lactid pills, crushed in the middle by an overzealous helper bot most likely. Steve smiled as he got ready for a swim, fiddling with his ring. Things were looking up. *Pllurbut*


End file.
